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Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Forgiving Others

Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget.  How many times have you heard that throughout your life?  Some of us grew up thinking that it was OK to be verbally abused.  Being told by people that we loved the most that we were “stupid”, “too dark skinned” and to “shut up” and stop being “too sensitive”.  Over the years, we've built up a lot of frustration inside which may have caused a lot of resentment towards others. Imagine your father picking you up from school when you were 5 years old because you had an accident in your pants.  Then, when you got home you got a 'good beating', that you never really felt you deserved.  It's this type of situation that makes us realize that it’s not going to be as easy as “forgive and forget” and that it’s not a magical saying.  Revelation.

As we get older and became a man, not being able to forgive causes resentment to grow in our hearts.  See you can’t just forgive and forget things like; being lied too, being betrayed and rejected, being molested or being verbally abused. It’s not something that we are going to say, “I forgive this person” and then the past just melts away and then it’s over.  If our minds worked like that wouldn't we all be walking around with a smile?

REALITY CHECK.  As you are reading this person may be popping into your head that may have wronged you in some way.  Have you considered how it’s affecting your self-esteem? How 's it affecting your relationships?  Maybe you are married or are in a committed relationship carrying around resentment that is causing you to express outwardly what you can’t admit inwardly.
Some of us that may have been married and divorced more than once may be able to now admit that holding on to things in your past and being unable to forgive is doing more damage to yourself than to the person you are holding it against.  Finally figuring out that some of us won’t have ever had the ‘picture perfect’ mothers and fathers.  We won’t always have great friends who will be grounded and loyal and will provide those positive affirming words that we might want to hear on a daily basis.

Whether you might have been cheated on or lied too, molested by a parent or sibling or have experienced constant betrayal by partners and friends.  The hope is that we as men, can all come to a place where we want to learn how to forgive.  Whether it’s through therapy, self -help books or prayer; these years have taught me to learn that if we put these ingredients together we can come to a place of forgiveness.  Allowing us to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. 

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
– Roberto Assagioli

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.


Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive. – C.S. Lewis

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Check Your Heart

Throughout life, most of our decisions when it comes to the heart were done with the wrong motives.  Rarely checking our hearts and not checking our heartbeats or getting a chest x-ray.  What it implies is that we do things with the wrong heart motives.  Many of us have learned in our lives, that we can convince our minds to do things even though deep in our hearts it was a lie or just straight-up wrong, either way, done for all the wrong reasons.

A word of caution, you can do a lot of the right things for the wrong reasons if you don’t check your heart and admit to your true motives for the decisions you make.  For example starting a new relationship that is not based on a real connection and true love, but based on how someone looks or what they can offer you.  If you check your heart you will see that the true reasoning behind the decisions you make can save a lot of regrets, pain, and heartbreak.

REALITY CHECK.  How many of you have tried to do things with motives that are built on jealousy or envy?  To get the girl, to get the money, to get the job or anything to just get the “win”.  Going to church to pray for a hot woman to sit next to you instead of praying to God.  Applying for the job that everyone else has, but one you never really wanted.  Are all of your friends getting married and you are the only single one? Is that the only reason you said “I do?”   Do you spend money on bottle service for your “boys”, but know in your heart that they aren't really friends at all?  Consider that it may be fear that motivates the heart to do things for the wrong reasons.

The more we do things with the right heart motives, the more we keep from the constant lies.  When we are not lying to ourselves or lying to others, the better we feel about our accomplishments and our integrity grows.  So think of all the things you've gone through and knew in your heart that the motive was wrong.  After all was said and done think about how you felt.  Now we as humans may not be able to avoid lying to ourselves or to others, guarantee to never let people down, break hearts or save ourselves from constant disappointment.  However, by always checking our hearts before and after, we may minimize how much we hurt ourselves and others.  It’s a daily battle to stay on the narrow path instead of giving in to your deceptive heart.


The inner thought coming from the heart represents the real motives and desires.  These are the cause of action. - Raymond Holliwell 


If one’s motives are wrong, nothing can be right.

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Now

On January 15th, 2011 it occurred to me that we won’t live forever.  I walked into my mother’s house and all that I heard was a doctor saying “she’s gone.”  My heart was broken into pieces and I was confused.  If you had told me that my mother was going to be taken from the world so soon, I would have never believed it.  That’s impossible.

Just like a lot of us, both men and women live with a mindset of; “I’m young and have my entire life ahead of me.”  Going through each day, focusing your energy on what happened last week or even last year.  Then switching over to what you are going to do tomorrow or plans for Christmas.   Forgetting all about living in the now.  This prevents you from putting true value on spending quality time with one another. Always worrying about days not yet lived.  Some of us may have spent more time worrying about fighting with the women in our lives, then loving the woman that gave us life. 

REALITY CHECK.  Ask yourself this question, if your doctor told you tomorrow that you have 6 months to live; how much more would you worry about all the decisions you made in your past?  Would you be worried about how much money you were going to have in the future?  How hot you think the guy or girl next to you thinks you are?  Or would it be noticing how the clouds in the sky look or the flowers smell?  Or would every day be a gift and a blessing that would allow you to live in the now?  Who would you choose to share the most memorable moments with?

“Mom I miss you. I now see why you called me every day in those last few months.  I know why you always smiled more, laughed harder and loved as if it was your last days.  Because they were.”  We should all encourage each other to practice living in the now and to love each day like it’s your last.  Don’t give all your energy to what is going to happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday.  Be mindful of how you are feeling, what you taste and smell and the sounds around you and be selective on who you choose to share those moments with. Try to absorb what is happening right now.


“Nothing ever happened the past, it happened in the now.  Nothing will ever happen in the future, it will happen in the now.” – Eckhart Tolle


Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.