The Power of Dreams

Challenge yourself this year to reprogram your way of thinking through reading, writing and finding your purpose.  In July of 2014 I ran a red light with a friend of mine and my son, who was 5 years old at the time and all I can remember is feeling a high impact jolt which obliterated the entire front end of my car.  I was afraid to turn back, wondering if my son was alive; thankfully I heard his innocent voice, “Daddy are you ok?”  From the moment I heard the sound of my own blood, my son, I cried and I knew it wasn’t our time, our dreams had not yet been fulfilled.

The reality hit when the officer pulled me aside and said, “I don’t know how you all walked away from this alive.”  If it would have been a truck that hit us that day, we would be dead.   The impact of this was significant; both physically and mentally.  Each one of us with our own scars from that day.  My son is almost always nervous before getting into a car, regardless of who is driving.  I am grateful for the second chance I have received, for the dreams I’ve had for my life since the car crash, have begun to manifest.   

REALITY CHECK.    Watch and take it all in. 

 We know we get caught up in our busy day to day lives and find it hard to reflect and ask ourselves, “If you died tonight can you say you found what your purpose was and fulfilled the dreams you had been dying to put into reality?”  Do you sit at your desk job, doing the same thing over and over, caught in a routine without even questioning whether or not it is what you are born to do?  Is this my purpose?  

Some of us may have witnessed men and women battle cancer for years and refuse to die until they accomplish their dreams and live their purpose that God has put them on the earth for.  People, we have a purpose and we are only given so long to find out what it is and to live it!  Watch the video… sometimes it is only by the power of our dreams that has kept us alive.  Dreams are what keep us going, keep us focused and motivated. 

If some of you are wondering if this is the same Donovan McKenzie that you knew from “back in the day” that is writing this blog with such passion, vulnerability and openness; it is.  This is the result of many doors closing and the right ones opening.  When you find your purpose, not even your own doubts can stand in your way of your success.

“If you are building your own dreams, you are busy building someone else’s.”

“Purpose is the great divider that separates those who are simply living, from those who are truly alive.”

Every Coin Has Two Sides

How many times have you heard the saying, “There are two sides to every story?”   Was it you saying it defensively?  Ladies, did you tell all your girlfriends about his betrayal, dishonesty and wrongdoings?   Some of us may have believed is that the person telling us the story about all the cheating, lying and neglect being done to them was 100% factual, painting the perfect picture as the victim. 

The revelation is that we as men have our sides of the story too.  But the majority of the time we keep our stories in our vault, in a file stored away in our head.  As a man you may have felt at times, you haven’t been able to tell your side of why your marriage ended or why a close friendship broke up.  Society tells us to “man up” or to “let it go,” just to keep the peace and slide out the back door; letting her be the voice of the relationship and telling others “how it really happened.”

REALITY CHECK.  Do you heal by sharing all the details of what went wrong, forgetting to include what went right?  Or do you heal by storing it away and pretending it didn’t happen?  Every dispute, every divorce, every broken relationship has two sides of the story.  Men, were you able to tell her that her words hurt you?  That being call a “loser” when you were working hard, and not being able to communicate sealed your fate?   Did you bring her flowers and go through the motions when in reality you had left the relationship years ago?   Did she then cut you off when it’s time for her to listen to you; causing you to shut off and search for that outside validation from another woman?  Each time, leaving yourself feeling cold, unemotional and detached. 

As men, we are taught that we are never the victim, casting a shadow over us that it was all our fault.  Sometimes it only takes one word, over and over to cause us to stray or to detach.  We are taught to tough it out.  Men it’s time to tell your side of the story out of the vault.  Just be honest and tell what you were unable to communicate back then.  It’s going to allow you to heal emotionally, let go of any resentment you have kept and mend broken relationships.

As part of our healing, it’s important for men to face the facts and why you have done what you have done.  It’s also important to tell your side so that your friends, family and maybe even the “women scorned” can be freed from the questions and assumptions that they may have made about you in the past.  Tell your side and truly move on to the next chapter in your life.  There are two sides to the story, everyone has to own their part and take accountability.   

“Two sides to every story, yet people end up listening to one side and believe it to be the truth.” – anonymous

“Before you assume, learn the facts.  Before you judge, understand why.  Before you hurt someone, feel.  Before you speak, think.” – anonymous   

Forgiving Yourself

We all have days that we sit down, blaming ourselves, going over the decisions that we have made in our lives that have brought us to this moment.  Wondering why we keep making the same mistakes, experiencing feelings of hopelessness or doubt and why we are not where we thought we would be in life.  What I’ve come to realize is that we spend a lot of time reliving our pasts hoping to find the answer to the million dollar question; “Why did I do that?”

Give yourself grace, forgive yourself and free yourself.  Forgiving yourself may seem like an impossible task, but by holding in that guilt, shame or resentment we are only punishing ourselves.  We may have a legitimate reason why we feel like we have to hold on.  Most of us have regrets, things left unsaid or buried deep inside, but without forgiveness, the past will always find a way into our present and if we are not careful our future.    

REALITY CHECK.   When I visit my Mom’s graveyard and look around at all the people with tombstones I wonder how many died with heavy hearts or burdened minds, never reaching their full potential. Holding back from fulfilling their life’s purpose, creating healthy, lasting relationships or a combination of both.   Despite the sadness, it also motivates me to forgive myself, to move on and get past my past.  You can’t live the life you want and feel light in your heart, unless you take the opportunity to look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud “I forgive myself.” When is the last time you got real, got deep and took a good, long look in the mirror?  Have you ever wrote out a description of the man you want to be and compared it the man you are?  Have you took it to the next level and wrote down what you need to forgive yourself for so that you can begin living the life you were meant to have?

When you finish reading this, sit and think; what can I do to forgive myself?”  You may feel vulnerable and weak, but that is exactly the place you need to be to begin to look up and let go.  I cheated. I was in jail.  I lost my job.  I hurt a lot of people.  I have lied.  Forgive yourself.   Please don’t take it lightly, society, your friends maybe even your family, may be comfortable living with a certain amount of guilt, it may even feel “normal”.  So even if you choose to forgive others first….be sure to make time to for your own forgiveness and recognize that it’s never too late to start.  I had a revelation while writing this blog and it was that; forgiveness is a choice and death is certain.  So how will you live out the rest of your life?

Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.  – Les Brown

“In order to heal we must first forgive… and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.” - Mila Bron

Forgiving Others

Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget.  How many times have you heard that throughout your life?  Some of us grew up thinking that it was OK to be verbally abused.  Being told by people that we loved the most that we were “stupid”, “too dark skinned” and to “shut up” and stop being “too sensitive”.  Over the years, we've built up a lot of frustration inside which may have caused a lot of resentment towards others. Imagine your father picking you up from school when you were 5 years old because you had an accident in your pants.  Then, when you got home you got a 'good beating', that you never really felt you deserved.  It's this type of situation that makes us realize that it’s not going to be as easy as “forgive and forget” and that it’s not a magical saying.  Revelation.

As we get older and became a man, not being able to forgive causes resentment to grow in our hearts.  See you can’t just forgive and forget things like; being lied too, being betrayed and rejected, being molested or being verbally abused. It’s not something that we are going to say, “I forgive this person” and then the past just melts away and then it’s over.  If our minds worked like that wouldn't we all be walking around with a smile?

REALITY CHECK.  As you are reading this person may be popping into your head that may have wronged you in some way.  Have you considered how it’s affecting your self-esteem? How 's it affecting your relationships?  Maybe you are married or are in a committed relationship carrying around resentment that is causing you to express outwardly what you can’t admit inwardly.

Some of us that may have been married and divorced more than once may be able to now admit that holding on to things in your past and being unable to forgive is doing more damage to yourself than to the person you are holding it against.  Finally figuring out that some of us won’t have ever had the ‘picture perfect’ mothers and fathers.  We won’t always have great friends who will be grounded and loyal and will provide those positive affirming words that we might want to hear on a daily basis.

Whether you might have been cheated on or lied too, molested by a parent or sibling or have experienced constant betrayal by partners and friends.  The hope is that we as men, can all come to a place where we want to learn how to forgive.  Whether it’s through therapy, self -help books or prayer; these years have taught me to learn that if we put these ingredients together we can come to a place of forgiveness.  Allowing us to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. 

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.

– Roberto Assagioli

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive. – C.S. Lewis

Check Your Heart

Throughout life, most of our decisions when it comes to the heart were done with the wrong motives.  Rarely checking our hearts and not checking our heartbeats or getting a chest x-ray.  What it implies is that we do things with the wrong heart motives.  Many of us have learned in our lives, that we can convince our minds to do things even though deep in our hearts it was a lie or just straight-up wrong, either way, done for all the wrong reasons.

A word of caution, you can do a lot of the right things for the wrong reasons if you don’t check your heart and admit to your true motives for the decisions you make.  For example starting a new relationship that is not based on a real connection and true love, but based on how someone looks or what they can offer you.  If you check your heart you will see that the true reasoning behind the decisions you make can save a lot of regrets, pain, and heartbreak.

REALITY CHECK.  How many of you have tried to do things with motives that are built on jealousy or envy?  To get the girl, to get the money, to get the job or anything to just get the “win”.  Going to church to pray for a hot woman to sit next to you instead of praying to God.  Applying for the job that everyone else has, but one you never really wanted.  Are all of your friends getting married and you are the only single one? Is that the only reason you said “I do?”   Do you spend money on bottle service for your “boys”, but know in your heart that they aren't really friends at all?  Consider that it may be fear that motivates the heart to do things for the wrong reasons.

The more we do things with the right heart motives, the more we keep from the constant lies.  When we are not lying to ourselves or lying to others, the better we feel about our accomplishments and our integrity grows.  So think of all the things you've gone through and knew in your heart that the motive was wrong.  After all was said and done think about how you felt.  Now we as humans may not be able to avoid lying to ourselves or to others, guarantee to never let people down, break hearts or save ourselves from constant disappointment.  However, by always checking our hearts before and after, we may minimize how much we hurt ourselves and others.  It’s a daily battle to stay on the narrow path instead of giving in to your deceptive heart.

The inner thought coming from the heart represents the real motives and desires.  These are the cause of action. - Raymond Holliwell 

If one’s motives are wrong, nothing can be right.

Now

On January 15^th, 2011 it occurred to me that we won’t live forever.  I walked into my mother’s house and all that I heard was a doctor saying “she’s gone.”  My heart was broken into pieces and I was confused.  If you had told me that my mother was going to be taken from the world so soon, I would have never believed it.  That’s impossible.

Just like a lot of us, both men and women live with a mindset of; “I’m young and have my entire life ahead of me.”  Going through each day, focusing your energy on what happened last week or even last year.  Then switching over to what you are going to do tomorrow or plans for Christmas.   Forgetting all about living in the now.  This prevents you from putting true value on spending quality time with one another. Always worrying about days not yet lived.  Some of us may have spent more time worrying about fighting with the women in our lives, then loving the woman that gave us life. 

REALITY CHECK.  Ask yourself this question, if your doctor told you tomorrow that you have 6 months to live; how much more would you worry about all the decisions you made in your past?  Would you be worried about how much money you were going to have in the future?  How hot you think the guy or girl next to you thinks you are?  Or would it be noticing how the clouds in the sky look or the flowers smell?  Or would every day be a gift and a blessing that would allow you to live in the now?  Who would you choose to share the most memorable moments with?

“Mom I miss you. I now see why you called me every day in those last few months.  I know why you always smiled more, laughed harder and loved as if it was your last days.  Because they were.”  We should all encourage each other to practice living in the now and to love each day like it’s your last.  Don’t give all your energy to what is going to happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday.  Be mindful of how you are feeling, what you taste and smell and the sounds around you and be selective on who you choose to share those moments with. Try to absorb what is happening right now.

“Nothing ever happened the past, it happened in the now.  Nothing will ever happen in the future, it will happen in the now.” – Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

Fatherless

Picture getting ready for your basketball game or track and field meet, glancing into the stands; hoping to see your father cheering you on.  Just hoping one day he would be there to see you score that winning basket, a soaring dunk or watch you sprint faster than everyone else on the track. But every time you looked, he was nowhere to be seen. Disappointment.

Although there may be some benefits to having your father physically present in the house; as we get older, we need more.  Many of us may have realized that having a father that had emotionally checked out was no different than our friends that never had a chance to meet theirs.  Physically there, but not there emotionally.  As many of us matured and became father's ourselves, our hearts reach out to the men and women that never had a chance to meet their fathers, or connect emotionally with them to receive the guidance, love, support and affirmation that only a father can provide.

REALITY CHECK.  When asked how they were raised, the men incarcerated with lifelong sentences had a shocking number admit that they were raised in a father-absent home.  It would be interesting to find out if we were to ask women caught up in a life of stripping or escorting if they too were missing that important interaction with their fathers.  What about the girl from the suburbs that keeps dating all the wrong men for a similar reason?  Both groups of women simply missing their fathers to give them the love that they craved.  They both could be in a different place and would never need the wrong type of attention.  Ladies, you know we are trying to say.

Knowing is half the battle and how gaining the knowledge we need to begin to fix and heal, is key.  Knowledge is power.  When you gain the knowledge you need, basically to accept the fact that your father was not there; you begin to forgive yourself and the mistakes you've made because of that.  Identify what is missing and get it from the right sources, instead of searching for it or accepting it from any warm body beside you.  Group therapy, individual therapy, reading and journaling may help you to identify what you need in your life emotionally and find others that you can identify with and overcome with.  

“One thing that prevents a man from being a good father, is that he hasn't completed being a boy.”

“The only time you turn your back on your kid is so that they can hop on.”

“A Father is neither an anchor to hold us back, nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light to show us the way.”