Manhood

Our fathers are our primary role model for us as men.  The majority of fathers define manhood based on their fathers and the definition of what it means to be a man is passed on down through the generations.  Passing along their old fashioned ways of thinking that real men don’t cry, they don’t express their emotions and have to provide.  Or that real men only show strength and that they will work through emotional pain, physical pain and when they are asked the question of what’s wrong and the answer is always the same, “I’m fine.”  This is learned from what generations have heard from the men before them.  We are often limited by the fact that you can only teach what you have been taught.  If you hear “man up”, “be strong”, that’s what you will pass along.  Many fathers don’t see the impact that they have on their little boys from an early age and may not realize that they are showing their sons by what they say and how they act; what it means to be “a man”.

Society is no exception.  The media highlights athletes and role models, all telling us to “be a man”.  Society has put a lot of pressures onto men.  Those men that lacked mentorship allow society to define manhood for them, going through life showing only signs of strength and putting that smile on your face no matter how you are feeling inside.  Imagine all the young men that have been “raised” by a hip hop artists telling them how a man has to be or an athlete sharing his opinion of manhood that can cause youth to adopt it as their truth. 

REALITY CHECK. There are many double standards that men face.  Why is it that a woman that gets money from her husband, is in a successful relationship, but a man who gets money from his wife, is a liability?  Why is a married woman without a job a homemaker, but a married man without a job is a loser?  The truth is, if you choose to let these double standards dictate your lives, you will bury, hide or suppress what is in your heart; causing physical pain, emotional pain, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and mental illness.  Society thinks that men should do things alone and that we should not ask for help.  When, in fact, in order to survive in today’s society you need companionship and you need to have positive influences in your life!

Personally, this is exactly what I strive for in my own life. I told my son that it’s ok to cry and that’s its ok to say what’s on his heart.  It doesn’t make you soft.  When he told me he had never seen me cry, I told him that I have cried, many times.  He then grabbed my head, as only a son could do to a father, and told me that it’s going to be ok and he told me that I’m still amazing.  How many of us as grown men, would respond that way?  Being a man doesn’t mean that when you are in any kind of distress or pain, by talking about it, you are a “pussy” or you are “soft”.  I want to engrain it in my son’s head so that his friends don’t come and distort his thinking.  It’s important to share what is on your heart.  I have to show my son love and have to show him the true definition of manhood and not allow society, music and media to raise him.  Do what other men in your life were unable to do and start now.

 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

"Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions."  - Will Smith

"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me.  Going to bed at night saying that we've done something wonderful, that's what matters to me."  - Steve Jobs

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."  - Jim Valvano

Knowledge Is Power

As men, we take an inventory of “our personal knowledge” and equate it to be a measure of our own worth.  What do we know? What can we say is for certain or true?  Then whether we realize it or not, we evaluate it; is it enough?  Have you ever felt inadequate, uneducated or intimidated?   A large part of our ego is built up on that sense of accomplishment, that degree of knowledge that makes us feel intelligent and worthy of the good life and all that comes with it. 

Have you ever looked up something on Google and preached it like it was your own just to impress others?  Have you lied about where you went to school, what books you’ve read or things you enjoy, just to appear “better” or more “worthy” of that promotion at work or to gain the acceptance of the executives at the office?   Let’s ask ourselves, does this really define us as men and as men have we truly done anything to help ourselves to stop “faking it”?

REALITY CHECK.  Knowledge is power, but there is no limit to what you “need” to know to qualify to be successful in life.  In my experience it’s not what you know, it’s how eager you are to learn more about the subject matter that impacts your own life.  All of our friends, family and co-workers respect us, but when is the last time we extended ourselves?  Met a new group or individual that challenged our views or what we knew to be true.  When is the last time you admitted that you actually didn’t know something?  Or if you did admit to not knowing, did you turn around and go and look it up, research it, so that next time you would know what it’s all about?  Have you always had dreams, but held back from gaining that knowledge that you actually need to become successful?

Stretch yourself, grow, learn adapt.  Darwin’s theory of survival says that it’s those that are able to adapt and change that will continue to thrive and enjoy what they have been given.  So stop using education and intelligence as a measure of self-worth through other’s eyes, stop pretending and appreciate your own individual intellect.  The promotion and job that fulfils your passion will come as a result of you knowing a lot about that one thing, not a little about a lot of things.  Education is important, but there isn’t one recipe for success.  Take full advantage of all of the resources to learn out there, fill your mind with knowledge and expand your opportunities in a real and authentic way and watch your life fall into place. 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

Education means inspiring someone’s mind, not just filling their head.  – Katie Lusk

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.  Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power. – Lao-Tzu

-          Donovan Mckenzie

Fear

Of the six basic emotions, fear is unique and arguably the most powerful because our survival literally depends on it, or at least it used too.  We are all born fearless, as children we go into the world without a care in the world, ready to take it all on.  As we grow up fears are learned, quickly and powerfully through traumatic events; learned behaviours and exposure to physical or emotional abuse.  Fear is often the root cause of feeling inadequate, feeling rejected, insecure, and feeling like a failure. 

Take the fear of rejection as an example.  Clearly, there is actually nothing dangerous about being rejected.  If we think about it, who has been fatally wounded by rejection?  But to some, the biological reaction to rejection feels like being mortally wounded.  As a result, we as men, begin to avoid the very thing that we are afraid of; only increasing the power that the fear has over us.  Have you ever stopped to think about the consequences that fear has had on your life?

REALITY CHECK.  Fear is crippling.  It ruminates inside of our minds, spreads inside of our spirits and at times it can become what guides our decisions.  We may never try new things or ask for that raise we know we deserve because of our fears.  Often we find ourselves taking the easy way out by avoiding the fear, which in reality is the worst thing we can do.  The sad thing is that although fear is a natural occurrence and something all men have; only a small percentage of us will actually realize the unhealthy fear we have and stand up to it and kick its ass.  Why are we slaves to our fears?  What if we knew for certain if we stand up to fear we could be successful and fulfilled?  Look at Steve Jobs or Michael Jordan, both became legends in their fields by accomplishing what so many thought they couldn’t.  They overcame their fears and defied what people said about them.  You have to do things that push the edges of your fears, proving yourself wrong and building up your confidence.    

Fear does not have to control your life.  I’m not saying we should go and do reckless, impulsive, self-destructive things.  But what I will say is that we can no longer allow fear to keep us in a box and limit ourselves.  Begin by making a list, identify the fears that you have in your life.  Get rid of behaviours like avoidance, or labelling, which give them power over you.  Assess the reality; is it a healthy fear that will actually help with your basic survival?  Or are you taking on others fears as if they were your own? As men, we all have fears that we have allowed to control us.  Let us no longer pretend that we don’t have them in our lives and by facing them we can remove these stumbling blocks to achieving success and ultimately living a healthier happier, more fulfilled life. 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

 F.E.A.R. – Forget everything and run or forget everything and rise.  It’s your choice. 

 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.  - Jack Canfield

Rock Bottom

When speaking to someone that is an inspiration to me, I asked, “what do you think about www.intheheartofaman.com, a positive resource for men?”  Her eyes lit up and she immediately agreed that men need more resources to get them through the phases and stages of life.  She reinforced it by sharing a personal story.  She began by telling me about a close friend’s father, who was a successful lawyer in his mid-40s that ran every day, was in great shape, very healthy and financially stable.  Then one day her friend called with the devastating news, that her Dad just committed suicide and she never saw it coming.

Did you know that in Canada men are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than women?  When our spirits are broken, as men we will still smile.  We will put on the best outward show to make you think we are happy.   Do you think just because we have a great job or lots of money we are ok?  Sometimes we would rather have a broken leg instead of a broken spirit.  Sometimes what our wives, daughters and mothers don’t know, is that our spirits get damaged when we are younger but we don’t talk about it.  As T.D. Jakes says, we are not emotional, we are he-motional.  As men we process internally, often we are screaming inside, but you can’t hear our screams.  Labelled a ‘sissy’ if we cry, get called soft, weak or even the word “bitch” if we share how we truly feel.  Automatically, we resort to different emotional outlets to express ourselves.

REALITY CHECK.  Women often say that they can’t understand men, but it’s HARD to be a man!  It’s even harder to share the emotions and feelings that would help you to understand us.  Do you ever wonder why some of us struggle with addictions or anger?  Sometimes it provides that escape from reality.  Women have their own set of struggles, I’m not trying to make women feel like they don’t go through a lot, but you have a different support system to help you get through life.  We need to encourage all of the men out there.  At times, we can go home to our families and still feel like we are by ourselves because of the stress and pain.  To cope, we might buy liquor and drink the entire bottle to escape our pain or relieve the stress.   We tell ourselves it's ok because we’ve worked hard, our lives are stressful and it’s one of the ways we can get through the day.

We often look at the exterior of man not knowing what is really going on inside.  We use the way we look, what we wear, maybe even what we drive to cover up that we’ve hit emotional rock bottom.  That every day, we wake up with a voice in our head asking “why is this so hard?”  When someone asks you “How are you?”, “How have you been?” men simply reply; ‘I’m good’, keeping those feelings buried.  When women are asked that same question, women will share their thoughts and feelings right away.  As men, we realize that we rarely express how we feel because we are taught that we have to be STRONG, that we can’t COMPLAIN and that we have to PROVIDE.   Sometimes men do reach rock bottom and want to get the gun or the rope to hang ourselves and want to end it all.  There comes a point when our limits become a starting point and we can decide whether it’s the end of the book or is it just the beginning of a new chapter?   Let the movement begin… In The Heart Of A Man.

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

Struggles are required in order to survive in life, because in order to stand up, you’ve got to know what falling down feels like.

It’s easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men.  – Frederick Douglas

I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs, but by how high he bounces when he hits bottom.   George S. Patton

Why We Worship Women

How often do we as men think about women?  What value have we placed on having a woman by our side?  Have we placed them as idols in our lives?  Before the alpha male in us answers with an automatic no, let’s search our hearts for the answer.  Remembering our first childhood crush that we couldn't stop daydreaming about.  Growing up watching our favourite actors chasing the hottest girl in school.  Looking at those guys work all school year long just to finally get the girl.  We see that and we think that it’s the way it has to be and that the guy that gets the most girls is ‘the man’.  Pre-programming us to keep score using the amount of women that we get to validate us.

From that point onwards we may have tried to become ‘the popular’ guy, the one that all the girls want, often doing whatever it takes.  When we work out in the gym for hours; are we really doing it to strengthen and train or are we trying to catch the eye of the pretty girl in the gym?  Ask ourselves, what is motivating us?  Who are we trying to please and what is our ultimate goal?  If we are honest with ourselves are the goals we set for personal fitness, career, our dream car or our wardrobe, actually for us?  Or are they for the women we hope to impress? 

  

REALITY CHECK.  What if we stopped focusing all our energy on women and created a generation of young men who grew up with reality that women don’t define us.  We need to respect them and not worship them.  Helping the future generation learn that rejection from women is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a lifelong lesson.  We hear of men losing their mental stability, health, wealth or a combination of them all; over ‘her’.  Sometimes the very treasure we seek is also seeking us for the wrong reasons.  Impulsive decisions that we make to spend too much or have casual sex; have we been trying to buy our way into a woman’s heart?  We need to come to the realization that we are all created equally.  So why have we allowed ourselves to be lead to believe that women are meant to be idolized and worshiped?  This obsession causes us to stare at women, be easily intimidated, become insecure and may even create doubt in the minds of husbands into thinking that there has got to be something more out there.  We may begin to idolize the fantasy over the reality.

It often begins early on in school, feeling the intoxication of our first love and wanting to be around her all the time and doing whatever we can to keep her.  Neglecting school work and friends to be with her.  Was it all about women?  Their approval and affirmation seemed like it was all we needed to be considered ‘manly’ and validated.  We may find ourselves looking at women everywhere we go.  When we are getting ready to go out, whether it’s to the gym, the office or with friends; who are we getting ready for?  Often women have walked a fine line between a true partner and the temptress that we have sought out, hunted and tried to make fit.  Apps like Tinder, Plenty of Fish and eHarmony, are simply electronic ways to base the value and worth of someone off of a picture or a casual hook-up.  It’s no wonder why the wealthiest industry in the world is pornography.  An industry that makes millions off of creating an escape for men, simultaneously setting us up to fail, idolize and worship these women.  Are we spending our lifetime trying to fulfill a lifestyle that the media has painted for us?  Looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side?  When in reality, if you learn to love yourself you start to realize that the right person will come along to love you.  She will find a well-constructed foundation, built on core values, not values that have been created by what you ‘think’ women want.   Remove the ego and let go of the pride; now ask yourself do you want to continue to worship and idolize?

"Let every man be respected and no man be idolized." - Albert Einstein 

Don't give up what you want most for what you want now.

Happiness Is A Choice

At an all men’s conference, one of the men raised his hand and asked if he will ever be happy.  He confessed that he woke up every morning since he was a child with a tremendous amount of unhappiness and couldn’t understand why he felt that way.  His parents were wealthy, he had a lot of friends and was an accomplished athlete, yet in is heart he never felt fulfilled and rarely smiled.  Many of us may be able to relate to him.   We have this feeling of unhappiness throughout life, searching for people or things to make us happy.  Thinking that when we find the right person we will live happily ever after.  When we find the right job and become wealthy we will have all of the material things and be fulfilled.  We think we will be but are we under false pretenses?  Have you ever felt that way?

A revelation occurred when visiting an all-boys orphanage that housed boys aged 2 – 17.  Many of us may be preparing ourselves to walk into a room of abandoned souls; who have struggled with not knowing their parents and feeling forgotten.  The shocking truth is that the smiles and laughter could be heard from the streets and the energy of the youth was overwhelming.  Watching them playing basketball, helping each other and showing both love and support for each other; it was very fulfilling. 

REALITY CHECK.  It’s not easy to find and maintain the feeling of being happy.  Personally, happiness in my life has been elusive.  Feeling so close to obtaining it and then letting circumstances dictate how I feel.  The desire for happiness is ever present, but what if we all admitted to ourselves that it is actually our choice to make?  Many of us choose to stay comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.  Choosing to be a victim, stay in a state of depression or sadness, complaining or relating to other unhappy people instead of making changes. 

Happiness is a choice no matter what we’ve been through in this life.  For example, on the exterior, Robin Williams was a successful comedian, actor, and father, but on the interior, he allowed the pain and sadness to control his life and decided to end his own.  How different would this be if he was able to share those feelings and feel supported instead of overwhelmed?  I’ve seen lawyers, Doctors and entrepreneurs have all of the material things, job titles and wealth, but what does success mean to you?  Consider that success could be dictated by the happiness you feel. 

Happiness is a choice we have to make. There is no magic pill that can cure the despair for the rest of our lives.  We have to reach inside and search for it.  After reading this, you could choose to make the decisions you need to change the way you feel.  Please understand you will not smile 24/7, laugh all day or feel on top of the world 365 days of the year.  Happiness is a state of contentedness, feeling pleasure from what you have and what you place value on as “good”.  Promise yourself you will do all the things necessary; self-reflection, self-help, read to open your mind or surround yourself with people that are positive.  Don’t allow the negative relationships in your life to determine your destiny and keep you in a place of unhappiness.  Everyone has a choice, choose wisely.

      

Be happy, not because everything is good, but because you can see the good in everything.

When I was 5 years old my Mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down “happy”.  They said that I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.  – John Lennon

A Man’s Heart

A Man’s Heart

Society has dismissed men as lacking emotion or unable to feel.  Maybe it’s because of the way boys are raised; we are told to “man up” and taught that crying shows weakness.  It’s because of this that we grow up unable to accept our true feelings or to have to tools needed to express them.  When in truth, we think and feel just as deeply, but express our feelings through a secret code.  A code that even we can’t decipher.  Ever wonder why the suicide rate is significantly higher in men than women?  The heart can only store so much before it explodes and results in suicide, self-harm or living with a broken spirit.

As men, we are under a lot of pressure and if we show weakness, doubt spreads regarding our ability to provide and stay strong.  I have loved and lost and through it all, remaining strong to live up to the expectation of what friends and society expect a “real man” to be.  How many times have you held back, repressed or pushed down your true emotions to make sure you “kept it together”. I think as men we have all experienced many times when we have felt misunderstood or unable to share our true feelings; all because of the fear of the other person’s reaction.  I can admit to myself that I have let those buried thoughts affect my actions, ended some relationships in the past and often felt kept in a box.

REALITY CHECK.  You will not feel any better if you do not admit your true feelings.  By denying emotions like vulnerability and sadness, you may allow them to manifest as anger or pride.  Have you ever felt so upset or disappointed in yourself that you ended up projecting your anger at someone or something else? Have you ever been so discouraged or frustrated that you used another “acceptable situation” to release some tears?  Football and hockey players are thought of as some of the most “macho” individuals and yet they appear to be comfortable expressing their feelings with each other during a game.  Where else can we see men patting each other on the butt, embracing and cheering?  If it wasn’t for the safe place of our circle of friends or a team environment, would the same sharing of emotion be acceptable? I would bet that you wouldn’t see the same level of openness.

I encourage all men to take the steps they need towards getting in touch what is really in their heart.  Don’t you wonder why the second you shut things down and try to relax, the headaches come?  Stressed on vacation unable to figure out why?  The daily grind keeping you stuck in a routine to cover it all up.  The suicide rate is significantly higher in men than women because we keep things locked up and it’s killing us.  Men, find a safe place, a trusted friend, family member or spouse, and get some of this weight off of your chest.  Telling someone what’s keeping you down is not being weak, it’s the ultimate show of inner strength. 

Inspiration – Keep This In Your Heart

“The tragedy of life is not death, but what dies inside of us while we live.” – Robin Williams