Fear

Of the six basic emotions, fear is unique and arguably the most powerful because our survival literally depends on it, or at least it used too.  We are all born fearless, as children we go into the world without a care in the world, ready to take it all on.  As we grow up fears are learned, quickly and powerfully through traumatic events; learned behaviours and exposure to physical or emotional abuse.  Fear is often the root cause of feeling inadequate, feeling rejected, insecure, and feeling like a failure. 

Take the fear of rejection as an example.  Clearly, there is actually nothing dangerous about being rejected.  If we think about it, who has been fatally wounded by rejection?  But to some, the biological reaction to rejection feels like being mortally wounded.  As a result, we as men, begin to avoid the very thing that we are afraid of; only increasing the power that the fear has over us.  Have you ever stopped to think about the consequences that fear has had on your life?

REALITY CHECK.  Fear is crippling.  It ruminates inside of our minds, spreads inside of our spirits and at times it can become what guides our decisions.  We may never try new things or ask for that raise we know we deserve because of our fears.  Often we find ourselves taking the easy way out by avoiding the fear, which in reality is the worst thing we can do.  The sad thing is that although fear is a natural occurrence and something all men have; only a small percentage of us will actually realize the unhealthy fear we have and stand up to it and kick its ass.  Why are we slaves to our fears?  What if we knew for certain if we stand up to fear we could be successful and fulfilled?  Look at Steve Jobs or Michael Jordan, both became legends in their fields by accomplishing what so many thought they couldn’t.  They overcame their fears and defied what people said about them.  You have to do things that push the edges of your fears, proving yourself wrong and building up your confidence.    

Fear does not have to control your life.  I’m not saying we should go and do reckless, impulsive, self-destructive things.  But what I will say is that we can no longer allow fear to keep us in a box and limit ourselves.  Begin by making a list, identify the fears that you have in your life.  Get rid of behaviours like avoidance, or labelling, which give them power over you.  Assess the reality; is it a healthy fear that will actually help with your basic survival?  Or are you taking on others fears as if they were your own? As men, we all have fears that we have allowed to control us.  Let us no longer pretend that we don’t have them in our lives and by facing them we can remove these stumbling blocks to achieving success and ultimately living a healthier happier, more fulfilled life. 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

 F.E.A.R. – Forget everything and run or forget everything and rise.  It’s your choice. 

 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.  - Jack Canfield

Rock Bottom

When speaking to someone that is an inspiration to me, I asked, “what do you think about www.intheheartofaman.com, a positive resource for men?”  Her eyes lit up and she immediately agreed that men need more resources to get them through the phases and stages of life.  She reinforced it by sharing a personal story.  She began by telling me about a close friend’s father, who was a successful lawyer in his mid-40s that ran every day, was in great shape, very healthy and financially stable.  Then one day her friend called with the devastating news, that her Dad just committed suicide and she never saw it coming.

Did you know that in Canada men are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than women?  When our spirits are broken, as men we will still smile.  We will put on the best outward show to make you think we are happy.   Do you think just because we have a great job or lots of money we are ok?  Sometimes we would rather have a broken leg instead of a broken spirit.  Sometimes what our wives, daughters and mothers don’t know, is that our spirits get damaged when we are younger but we don’t talk about it.  As T.D. Jakes says, we are not emotional, we are he-motional.  As men we process internally, often we are screaming inside, but you can’t hear our screams.  Labelled a ‘sissy’ if we cry, get called soft, weak or even the word “bitch” if we share how we truly feel.  Automatically, we resort to different emotional outlets to express ourselves.

REALITY CHECK.  Women often say that they can’t understand men, but it’s HARD to be a man!  It’s even harder to share the emotions and feelings that would help you to understand us.  Do you ever wonder why some of us struggle with addictions or anger?  Sometimes it provides that escape from reality.  Women have their own set of struggles, I’m not trying to make women feel like they don’t go through a lot, but you have a different support system to help you get through life.  We need to encourage all of the men out there.  At times, we can go home to our families and still feel like we are by ourselves because of the stress and pain.  To cope, we might buy liquor and drink the entire bottle to escape our pain or relieve the stress.   We tell ourselves it's ok because we’ve worked hard, our lives are stressful and it’s one of the ways we can get through the day.

We often look at the exterior of man not knowing what is really going on inside.  We use the way we look, what we wear, maybe even what we drive to cover up that we’ve hit emotional rock bottom.  That every day, we wake up with a voice in our head asking “why is this so hard?”  When someone asks you “How are you?”, “How have you been?” men simply reply; ‘I’m good’, keeping those feelings buried.  When women are asked that same question, women will share their thoughts and feelings right away.  As men, we realize that we rarely express how we feel because we are taught that we have to be STRONG, that we can’t COMPLAIN and that we have to PROVIDE.   Sometimes men do reach rock bottom and want to get the gun or the rope to hang ourselves and want to end it all.  There comes a point when our limits become a starting point and we can decide whether it’s the end of the book or is it just the beginning of a new chapter?   Let the movement begin… In The Heart Of A Man.

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

Struggles are required in order to survive in life, because in order to stand up, you’ve got to know what falling down feels like.

It’s easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men.  – Frederick Douglas

I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs, but by how high he bounces when he hits bottom.   George S. Patton