Slow Down

The list. We all have that mental ‘Rolodex’ of things to do and not enough time to get them done. Or at least it feels that way. The days and nights fly by, with each day feeling the same as the day before. The pressures of bills, work, appointments, kids, friends, our spouses, even the idea of running out of gas or forgetting our phone leaves us with nothing left in the tank. We are torn between being present for our families and with our responsibilities at work: Often working at a job that we hate just trying to help move ourselves and our families forward. We end up feeling trapped, stuck and unable to break free no matter what we do.

Maybe you have given into the pressures of life. Maybe you simply go through the motions each day/month/year without ever making progress on your goals. Maybe you spend more time thinking about the unhappy moments rather than taking time to create new, happy moments.

REALITY CHECK. We have two choices; either we run the day, or the day runs us.  All of us have the same amount of hours in each day, so let’s find better ways to use those hours and to stop worrying about what we cannot change.  Look at your mental ‘Rolodex’ and cut some of the things from the to-do list. Make sure that your priorities make sense for your goals. Find a way to ask for what you need. We are designed to help each other so, ask for help.

We have become accustomed to flying from one thing to the next: We punch the time clock and don’t take time to enjoy the actual moments in the day. When you come home from work and your spouse asks “how was work today?”, most times we are only focused on the to-do list of our mental ‘Rolodex’. Someone once told me “your inbox will never be empty”. So, even though you didn’t have time for lunch, even though you may be wearing mismatched socks, even though you may hate the guy in the cubicle beside you, and especially when you feel that it’s not going to be a good life - Slow down.

The stress is unhealthy and too much multitasking adds stress to our bodies and minds.  It increases our chances of ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks and other illnesses.  We often cope by using drugs or alcohol, gambling, overeating or, womanizing. We all know that those behaviours will only make things worse.  So, take charge of your own life and find ways to live mindfully - Live in each moment - Pay attention. When we take time to live in the moment and pay attention, we make it hard for stressful thoughts to enter our mind. Your time is valuable so fill it with ideas that contribute to your goals. Remember to treat your body and mind with respect and simplify your life. Find what fuels your passion, brings your joy and do that. Slow down. Change your life.

KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART – INSPIRATION

If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you are in?

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.

- Donovan Mckenzie

The Struggle

We are in a constant battle as a man to be a faithful husband, boyfriend or as the world calls it, a “good man” with a high moral compass.  We are often torn between doing what is right for our relationship and self-gratification. Self-gratification often comes in the form of having women on the side who we use for sex and fun.  On one hand, we want the fun, fantasy world even though it leads to an unfulfilled life: On the other hand, we want to be the faithful husband who makes his wife feel like a queen. When we are saying those words at the altar - “to love, to cherish and to be faithful, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part”, are we actually paying attention?   Many of us have come to find that those are just words, said when we are caught up in the moment; not really understanding the commitment. We convince ourselves that we don’t have to feel the shame and the guilt of cheating. 

REALITY CHECK.  We grew up thinking that the more women we have; the more notches on our belts, make us more of a man.  We are taught time and time again from our fathers, older brothers, uncles and friends that it’s okay to cheat because it’s a part of manhood.  We believe that it’s acceptable to have a double life; one with your wife and another with your girlfriend.  We see successful men who we think have it all together; fathers, husbands, athletes - when in reality, they’re having the same struggle.  Some of us get caught up in porn or affairs and end up losing our families. 

Many men suffer from an overall lack of self-esteem.  When our wives and girlfriends stop giving us the affirmation that we have relied on to feel good and worthy, we begin to have doubts.  It’s in these times that we end up seeking affirmation from other women.  This is not an excuse…there is no excuse.

The struggle is real.  Now, men, we will have to unlearn and reprogram our minds to begin fighting this battle.  Let’s not lie to ourselves, we can’t do it alone.  The ways that we may have learned from other men in our lives, poor role models or our fantasy world built up in our mind - it all has to be grounded in a new reality.  We live in a world where porn is one of the most profitable industries.  We resist opportunities online and temptations around every corner only to come home to wives or girlfriends who we have to beg for a kiss. We need to come to a place where we are desperate enough to fight that battle. We have to look in our hearts - We may have to look deep.

Speak up. Join a group. Talk to positive role models. Ask for guidance. Be accountable.

KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART – INSPIRATION

  “It’s impossible says pride.  It’s risky said experience.  It’s pointless, said reason.  Give it a try, said the heart.”

“The toughest battle you will ever fight is the battle within yourself.”

- Donovan Mckenzie

Masks

He wears a 2,000 Armani suit, owns 20 pairs of the most expensive shoes and works out every day for 2 hours with a body that women can’t resist.  They stare, becoming mesmerized, by his exterior physique.  At 36, he has 2 beautiful cars; a Maserati and a Porche and lives in a 16,000 square foot mansion.  For the last 5 years he has followed his father’s advice; “Chase after money and women will chase after you.”  He has spent countless hours of hard work building a successful business and has been with a beautiful woman after woman.  All his friends envy him because externally he has the perfect life, living every man’s dream day in day out.

He wears his pants down past his ass, a clean pair of Jordan’s (not hard to do when you own every pair of Jordan’s ever made), all his kicks are over $100, with a thick gold chain around his neck, platinum watch and a jewellery box filled with rings; worth well over $100,000.  The most feared brother on his block, with all of the street credit, the look, along with a brand new 2015 BMW and a new girl in the passenger side weekly.  The idol to every kid on the street; their eyes light up thinking what it would be like to be him and have that life, king of the streets.

REALITY CHECK.  These two men, both from different cultures and backgrounds; are living their lives in disguises.  Both pressured to keep up their appearances to please their friends, family and society.  On paper, they both have accumulated “wealth”, “power” and as society perceives it, “respect”.  What we don’t see is that they wear two different masks; both carry around a broken spirit, hearts filled with pain and the pressure of what the world thinks a man should be, both motivated by that negative voice in their head saying “you’re not worth it.”  Fear of failure motivates but has built up years of fake appearances, survival methods and a heart, filled with pain and buried emotions.    

Every day has an agenda of things they must do to keep up their disguises and earn their money that has given them their identity.  Every night, filled with restless sleep, if any; crying when they are alone because they’re confused as to why their hearts feel heavy and they hate that they can’t show who they truly are to anyone but themselves.   They both have come to the realization that their entire life they’ve been discouraged from being their authentic self because of the shame associated with a man sharing how he really feels.  They may feel like they have nowhere to turn and no one to listen to them.

Society has set unrealistic and unachievable standards for men to try and live up too.  It is in trying to achieve these standards that men are slowly killing themselves.  We have to get past this outdated idea of what it means to “be a man,” so that will stop try to prove who they “really are” to others and to themselves.  Giving men the freedom to be their true self or at least begin to find out who that is. 

KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART – INSPIRATION

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  Give him a mask and he’ll tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde

“Having perfected our disguise, we spend our entire lives searching for someone we don’t fool.” – Robert Brault 

Manhood

Our fathers are our primary role model for us as men.  The majority of fathers define manhood based on their fathers and the definition of what it means to be a man is passed on down through the generations.  Passing along their old fashioned ways of thinking that real men don’t cry, they don’t express their emotions and have to provide.  Or that real men only show strength and that they will work through emotional pain, physical pain and when they are asked the question of what’s wrong and the answer is always the same, “I’m fine.”  This is learned from what generations have heard from the men before them.  We are often limited by the fact that you can only teach what you have been taught.  If you hear “man up”, “be strong”, that’s what you will pass along.  Many fathers don’t see the impact that they have on their little boys from an early age and may not realize that they are showing their sons by what they say and how they act; what it means to be “a man”.

Society is no exception.  The media highlights athletes and role models, all telling us to “be a man”.  Society has put a lot of pressures onto men.  Those men that lacked mentorship allow society to define manhood for them, going through life showing only signs of strength and putting that smile on your face no matter how you are feeling inside.  Imagine all the young men that have been “raised” by a hip hop artists telling them how a man has to be or an athlete sharing his opinion of manhood that can cause youth to adopt it as their truth. 

REALITY CHECK. There are many double standards that men face.  Why is it that a woman that gets money from her husband, is in a successful relationship, but a man who gets money from his wife, is a liability?  Why is a married woman without a job a homemaker, but a married man without a job is a loser?  The truth is, if you choose to let these double standards dictate your lives, you will bury, hide or suppress what is in your heart; causing physical pain, emotional pain, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and mental illness.  Society thinks that men should do things alone and that we should not ask for help.  When, in fact, in order to survive in today’s society you need companionship and you need to have positive influences in your life!

Personally, this is exactly what I strive for in my own life. I told my son that it’s ok to cry and that’s its ok to say what’s on his heart.  It doesn’t make you soft.  When he told me he had never seen me cry, I told him that I have cried, many times.  He then grabbed my head, as only a son could do to a father, and told me that it’s going to be ok and he told me that I’m still amazing.  How many of us as grown men, would respond that way?  Being a man doesn’t mean that when you are in any kind of distress or pain, by talking about it, you are a “pussy” or you are “soft”.  I want to engrain it in my son’s head so that his friends don’t come and distort his thinking.  It’s important to share what is on your heart.  I have to show my son love and have to show him the true definition of manhood and not allow society, music and media to raise him.  Do what other men in your life were unable to do and start now.

 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

"Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions."  - Will Smith

"Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me.  Going to bed at night saying that we've done something wonderful, that's what matters to me."  - Steve Jobs

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."  - Jim Valvano

Knowledge Is Power

As men, we take an inventory of “our personal knowledge” and equate it to be a measure of our own worth.  What do we know? What can we say is for certain or true?  Then whether we realize it or not, we evaluate it; is it enough?  Have you ever felt inadequate, uneducated or intimidated?   A large part of our ego is built up on that sense of accomplishment, that degree of knowledge that makes us feel intelligent and worthy of the good life and all that comes with it. 

Have you ever looked up something on Google and preached it like it was your own just to impress others?  Have you lied about where you went to school, what books you’ve read or things you enjoy, just to appear “better” or more “worthy” of that promotion at work or to gain the acceptance of the executives at the office?   Let’s ask ourselves, does this really define us as men and as men have we truly done anything to help ourselves to stop “faking it”?

REALITY CHECK.  Knowledge is power, but there is no limit to what you “need” to know to qualify to be successful in life.  In my experience it’s not what you know, it’s how eager you are to learn more about the subject matter that impacts your own life.  All of our friends, family and co-workers respect us, but when is the last time we extended ourselves?  Met a new group or individual that challenged our views or what we knew to be true.  When is the last time you admitted that you actually didn’t know something?  Or if you did admit to not knowing, did you turn around and go and look it up, research it, so that next time you would know what it’s all about?  Have you always had dreams, but held back from gaining that knowledge that you actually need to become successful?

Stretch yourself, grow, learn adapt.  Darwin’s theory of survival says that it’s those that are able to adapt and change that will continue to thrive and enjoy what they have been given.  So stop using education and intelligence as a measure of self-worth through other’s eyes, stop pretending and appreciate your own individual intellect.  The promotion and job that fulfils your passion will come as a result of you knowing a lot about that one thing, not a little about a lot of things.  Education is important, but there isn’t one recipe for success.  Take full advantage of all of the resources to learn out there, fill your mind with knowledge and expand your opportunities in a real and authentic way and watch your life fall into place. 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

Education means inspiring someone’s mind, not just filling their head.  – Katie Lusk

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.  Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power. – Lao-Tzu

-          Donovan Mckenzie

Fear

Of the six basic emotions, fear is unique and arguably the most powerful because our survival literally depends on it, or at least it used too.  We are all born fearless, as children we go into the world without a care in the world, ready to take it all on.  As we grow up fears are learned, quickly and powerfully through traumatic events; learned behaviours and exposure to physical or emotional abuse.  Fear is often the root cause of feeling inadequate, feeling rejected, insecure, and feeling like a failure. 

Take the fear of rejection as an example.  Clearly, there is actually nothing dangerous about being rejected.  If we think about it, who has been fatally wounded by rejection?  But to some, the biological reaction to rejection feels like being mortally wounded.  As a result, we as men, begin to avoid the very thing that we are afraid of; only increasing the power that the fear has over us.  Have you ever stopped to think about the consequences that fear has had on your life?

REALITY CHECK.  Fear is crippling.  It ruminates inside of our minds, spreads inside of our spirits and at times it can become what guides our decisions.  We may never try new things or ask for that raise we know we deserve because of our fears.  Often we find ourselves taking the easy way out by avoiding the fear, which in reality is the worst thing we can do.  The sad thing is that although fear is a natural occurrence and something all men have; only a small percentage of us will actually realize the unhealthy fear we have and stand up to it and kick its ass.  Why are we slaves to our fears?  What if we knew for certain if we stand up to fear we could be successful and fulfilled?  Look at Steve Jobs or Michael Jordan, both became legends in their fields by accomplishing what so many thought they couldn’t.  They overcame their fears and defied what people said about them.  You have to do things that push the edges of your fears, proving yourself wrong and building up your confidence.    

Fear does not have to control your life.  I’m not saying we should go and do reckless, impulsive, self-destructive things.  But what I will say is that we can no longer allow fear to keep us in a box and limit ourselves.  Begin by making a list, identify the fears that you have in your life.  Get rid of behaviours like avoidance, or labelling, which give them power over you.  Assess the reality; is it a healthy fear that will actually help with your basic survival?  Or are you taking on others fears as if they were your own? As men, we all have fears that we have allowed to control us.  Let us no longer pretend that we don’t have them in our lives and by facing them we can remove these stumbling blocks to achieving success and ultimately living a healthier happier, more fulfilled life. 

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

 F.E.A.R. – Forget everything and run or forget everything and rise.  It’s your choice. 

 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.  - Jack Canfield

Rock Bottom

When speaking to someone that is an inspiration to me, I asked, “what do you think about www.intheheartofaman.com, a positive resource for men?”  Her eyes lit up and she immediately agreed that men need more resources to get them through the phases and stages of life.  She reinforced it by sharing a personal story.  She began by telling me about a close friend’s father, who was a successful lawyer in his mid-40s that ran every day, was in great shape, very healthy and financially stable.  Then one day her friend called with the devastating news, that her Dad just committed suicide and she never saw it coming.

Did you know that in Canada men are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than women?  When our spirits are broken, as men we will still smile.  We will put on the best outward show to make you think we are happy.   Do you think just because we have a great job or lots of money we are ok?  Sometimes we would rather have a broken leg instead of a broken spirit.  Sometimes what our wives, daughters and mothers don’t know, is that our spirits get damaged when we are younger but we don’t talk about it.  As T.D. Jakes says, we are not emotional, we are he-motional.  As men we process internally, often we are screaming inside, but you can’t hear our screams.  Labelled a ‘sissy’ if we cry, get called soft, weak or even the word “bitch” if we share how we truly feel.  Automatically, we resort to different emotional outlets to express ourselves.

REALITY CHECK.  Women often say that they can’t understand men, but it’s HARD to be a man!  It’s even harder to share the emotions and feelings that would help you to understand us.  Do you ever wonder why some of us struggle with addictions or anger?  Sometimes it provides that escape from reality.  Women have their own set of struggles, I’m not trying to make women feel like they don’t go through a lot, but you have a different support system to help you get through life.  We need to encourage all of the men out there.  At times, we can go home to our families and still feel like we are by ourselves because of the stress and pain.  To cope, we might buy liquor and drink the entire bottle to escape our pain or relieve the stress.   We tell ourselves it's ok because we’ve worked hard, our lives are stressful and it’s one of the ways we can get through the day.

We often look at the exterior of man not knowing what is really going on inside.  We use the way we look, what we wear, maybe even what we drive to cover up that we’ve hit emotional rock bottom.  That every day, we wake up with a voice in our head asking “why is this so hard?”  When someone asks you “How are you?”, “How have you been?” men simply reply; ‘I’m good’, keeping those feelings buried.  When women are asked that same question, women will share their thoughts and feelings right away.  As men, we realize that we rarely express how we feel because we are taught that we have to be STRONG, that we can’t COMPLAIN and that we have to PROVIDE.   Sometimes men do reach rock bottom and want to get the gun or the rope to hang ourselves and want to end it all.  There comes a point when our limits become a starting point and we can decide whether it’s the end of the book or is it just the beginning of a new chapter?   Let the movement begin… In The Heart Of A Man.

INSPIRATION – KEEP THIS IN YOUR HEART

 

Struggles are required in order to survive in life, because in order to stand up, you’ve got to know what falling down feels like.

It’s easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men.  – Frederick Douglas

I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs, but by how high he bounces when he hits bottom.   George S. Patton