Forgiving Others

Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget.  How many times have you heard that throughout your life?  Some of us grew up thinking that it was OK to be verbally abused.  Being told by people that we loved the most that we were “stupid”, “too dark skinned” and to “shut up” and stop being “too sensitive”.  Over the years, we've built up a lot of frustration inside which may have caused a lot of resentment towards others. Imagine your father picking you up from school when you were 5 years old because you had an accident in your pants.  Then, when you got home you got a 'good beating', that you never really felt you deserved.  It's this type of situation that makes us realize that it’s not going to be as easy as “forgive and forget” and that it’s not a magical saying.  Revelation.

As we get older and became a man, not being able to forgive causes resentment to grow in our hearts.  See you can’t just forgive and forget things like; being lied too, being betrayed and rejected, being molested or being verbally abused. It’s not something that we are going to say, “I forgive this person” and then the past just melts away and then it’s over.  If our minds worked like that wouldn't we all be walking around with a smile?

REALITY CHECK.  As you are reading this person may be popping into your head that may have wronged you in some way.  Have you considered how it’s affecting your self-esteem? How 's it affecting your relationships?  Maybe you are married or are in a committed relationship carrying around resentment that is causing you to express outwardly what you can’t admit inwardly.

Some of us that may have been married and divorced more than once may be able to now admit that holding on to things in your past and being unable to forgive is doing more damage to yourself than to the person you are holding it against.  Finally figuring out that some of us won’t have ever had the ‘picture perfect’ mothers and fathers.  We won’t always have great friends who will be grounded and loyal and will provide those positive affirming words that we might want to hear on a daily basis.

Whether you might have been cheated on or lied too, molested by a parent or sibling or have experienced constant betrayal by partners and friends.  The hope is that we as men, can all come to a place where we want to learn how to forgive.  Whether it’s through therapy, self -help books or prayer; these years have taught me to learn that if we put these ingredients together we can come to a place of forgiveness.  Allowing us to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. 

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.

– Roberto Assagioli

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive. – C.S. Lewis

Check Your Heart

Throughout life, most of our decisions when it comes to the heart were done with the wrong motives.  Rarely checking our hearts and not checking our heartbeats or getting a chest x-ray.  What it implies is that we do things with the wrong heart motives.  Many of us have learned in our lives, that we can convince our minds to do things even though deep in our hearts it was a lie or just straight-up wrong, either way, done for all the wrong reasons.

A word of caution, you can do a lot of the right things for the wrong reasons if you don’t check your heart and admit to your true motives for the decisions you make.  For example starting a new relationship that is not based on a real connection and true love, but based on how someone looks or what they can offer you.  If you check your heart you will see that the true reasoning behind the decisions you make can save a lot of regrets, pain, and heartbreak.

REALITY CHECK.  How many of you have tried to do things with motives that are built on jealousy or envy?  To get the girl, to get the money, to get the job or anything to just get the “win”.  Going to church to pray for a hot woman to sit next to you instead of praying to God.  Applying for the job that everyone else has, but one you never really wanted.  Are all of your friends getting married and you are the only single one? Is that the only reason you said “I do?”   Do you spend money on bottle service for your “boys”, but know in your heart that they aren't really friends at all?  Consider that it may be fear that motivates the heart to do things for the wrong reasons.

The more we do things with the right heart motives, the more we keep from the constant lies.  When we are not lying to ourselves or lying to others, the better we feel about our accomplishments and our integrity grows.  So think of all the things you've gone through and knew in your heart that the motive was wrong.  After all was said and done think about how you felt.  Now we as humans may not be able to avoid lying to ourselves or to others, guarantee to never let people down, break hearts or save ourselves from constant disappointment.  However, by always checking our hearts before and after, we may minimize how much we hurt ourselves and others.  It’s a daily battle to stay on the narrow path instead of giving in to your deceptive heart.

The inner thought coming from the heart represents the real motives and desires.  These are the cause of action. - Raymond Holliwell 

If one’s motives are wrong, nothing can be right.

Now

On January 15^th, 2011 it occurred to me that we won’t live forever.  I walked into my mother’s house and all that I heard was a doctor saying “she’s gone.”  My heart was broken into pieces and I was confused.  If you had told me that my mother was going to be taken from the world so soon, I would have never believed it.  That’s impossible.

Just like a lot of us, both men and women live with a mindset of; “I’m young and have my entire life ahead of me.”  Going through each day, focusing your energy on what happened last week or even last year.  Then switching over to what you are going to do tomorrow or plans for Christmas.   Forgetting all about living in the now.  This prevents you from putting true value on spending quality time with one another. Always worrying about days not yet lived.  Some of us may have spent more time worrying about fighting with the women in our lives, then loving the woman that gave us life. 

REALITY CHECK.  Ask yourself this question, if your doctor told you tomorrow that you have 6 months to live; how much more would you worry about all the decisions you made in your past?  Would you be worried about how much money you were going to have in the future?  How hot you think the guy or girl next to you thinks you are?  Or would it be noticing how the clouds in the sky look or the flowers smell?  Or would every day be a gift and a blessing that would allow you to live in the now?  Who would you choose to share the most memorable moments with?

“Mom I miss you. I now see why you called me every day in those last few months.  I know why you always smiled more, laughed harder and loved as if it was your last days.  Because they were.”  We should all encourage each other to practice living in the now and to love each day like it’s your last.  Don’t give all your energy to what is going to happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday.  Be mindful of how you are feeling, what you taste and smell and the sounds around you and be selective on who you choose to share those moments with. Try to absorb what is happening right now.

“Nothing ever happened the past, it happened in the now.  Nothing will ever happen in the future, it will happen in the now.” – Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

Fatherless

Picture getting ready for your basketball game or track and field meet, glancing into the stands; hoping to see your father cheering you on.  Just hoping one day he would be there to see you score that winning basket, a soaring dunk or watch you sprint faster than everyone else on the track. But every time you looked, he was nowhere to be seen. Disappointment.

Although there may be some benefits to having your father physically present in the house; as we get older, we need more.  Many of us may have realized that having a father that had emotionally checked out was no different than our friends that never had a chance to meet theirs.  Physically there, but not there emotionally.  As many of us matured and became father's ourselves, our hearts reach out to the men and women that never had a chance to meet their fathers, or connect emotionally with them to receive the guidance, love, support and affirmation that only a father can provide.

REALITY CHECK.  When asked how they were raised, the men incarcerated with lifelong sentences had a shocking number admit that they were raised in a father-absent home.  It would be interesting to find out if we were to ask women caught up in a life of stripping or escorting if they too were missing that important interaction with their fathers.  What about the girl from the suburbs that keeps dating all the wrong men for a similar reason?  Both groups of women simply missing their fathers to give them the love that they craved.  They both could be in a different place and would never need the wrong type of attention.  Ladies, you know we are trying to say.

Knowing is half the battle and how gaining the knowledge we need to begin to fix and heal, is key.  Knowledge is power.  When you gain the knowledge you need, basically to accept the fact that your father was not there; you begin to forgive yourself and the mistakes you've made because of that.  Identify what is missing and get it from the right sources, instead of searching for it or accepting it from any warm body beside you.  Group therapy, individual therapy, reading and journaling may help you to identify what you need in your life emotionally and find others that you can identify with and overcome with.  

“One thing that prevents a man from being a good father, is that he hasn't completed being a boy.”

“The only time you turn your back on your kid is so that they can hop on.”

“A Father is neither an anchor to hold us back, nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light to show us the way.”

Scars & Lessons

Think about the last time you needed a Band-Aid.  You know the kind that you use for those minor cuts that tend to be painful for a few days; leaving tiny scars or simply go away without leaving a mark.  The memory of what caused those scars fades as quickly as the mark itself.  Then there are the deep cuts.  They may need surgery or stitches to help heal those deep wounds.  Leaving us with a scar, a visible reminder of the pain or incident that caused it and potentially the emotions that are still attached.

The same can be said for emotional scars.  There are the superficial ones like the rejection of the girl or guy when you asked them out, getting fired from your first job or the verbal attacks from the angry guy in line at the grocery store, angry about life, taking out on you.  Counter that with the deep emotional cuts like your husband or wife leaving you, the daily verbal abuse from a loved one or being fired from your last 10 out of 11 jobs.  The deepest can be the secrets we keep that shape us without awareness like; molestation, rape or addiction.

REALITY CHECK.  There are no rules when it comes to what is going to cut you the deepest in life.  Everyone has a story and most of us have a wide range of scars and marks.  It’s not about competition or “show and tell.”  This blog post may change your perspective.  Have you thought about what caused the scars so they can never be relived? Or who you need in your life to help these scars; both physical and emotional heal?

In the physical world, emotionally we need “therapy” and the support of friends and family to help us heal.  Emotional cuts from your father calling you “stupid” your whole life and living in a toxic environment can be just as deep as the person who got physically cut by machinery on the job.  So stop comparing or burying the scars and seek the help you need so those “scars” don’t keep you from having that healthy relationship you've always wanted.   Take the steps to be sure your scars are subtle reminders of where you have been and what you have learned so that you can overcome those scars and succeed in the future.

“A scar simply means that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

“Even Jesus had scars on his hands. That didn't stop him from changing the world.”

Love Yourself

Do you ever wonder how life would be if we learned to love ourselves?  Why doesn’t he love me? Why doesn’t she love me?  Maybe you are too ugly, too fat, and too broke, don’t own the fancy car or the big house on the hill. 

Men, how many times have you told yourself these things on a daily basis?  Felt inadequate, felt like a loser or felt like you were not good enough to get that pretty girl.  Unable to look another human being in the eyes for more than 30 seconds without feeling beneath them.  Going from relationship to relationship and wondering why you settle for less than you deserve?  As men, we are often a product of our environment.  If you didn’t hear positive words from your girl “there is nothing you can’t do,” “look at you, so handsome!” But, instead we heard “you’re ugly,” “I’m out of your league,” or “why are you so stupid?” You will continue to hear that negative voice in your head as you get older.  Whether we want to face the reality or not, it’s how we grow to not love ourselves.

Ladies, we can only imagine how it feels to have a man by your side at night and then to not see or hear from him again.  To hear that voice saying, "he’s probably not attracted to me,"  and hear the same voices convince you that you are not worth much.  To translate what men are trying to say, "you don’t’ love yourself."  Both men and woman agree; if you don’t love yourself you will not get the love that you deserve.

REALITY CHECK.  Just like the movies, there really are two “people” on your shoulders.  A negative voice and a positive voice.  The negative voice is always going to be louder and talk more if you let it.  So choose which one you are going to give the mic too.  Because if you choose incorrectly, you will never look good enough, make enough money, be smart enough or be pretty or handsome enough to get “the guy or the girl.”

No matter how long we have felt this way, whether you are short, tall, dark, light, a supermodel or not.  If you let the voices in your head define who you are, you will ultimately limit yourself. So if you are not the guy or girl who was blessed with the positive girl/guy, parent or friend; find other sources.  Read more, listen more and ultimately live better. Begin to love who you are. 

“Stop hating yourself for everything that you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything that you are.”

“If you don’t love yourself you will always be chasing people that don’t love you either.”

Change

To all the men out there that know they want to change the way they live their lives, but can’t find the power to change.   If you are not sure you are one of them, let me know if these sound familiar?  “As of today, things will  be different,” or “today I will be successful, no more failure,” or “there has to be more to life than this.” Obsessing over making those changes in order to get results that are different, even though you haven’t really thought about how to make those changes.

Looking at your phone all day thinking of what to text her – “What does she want to hear?” “How do I get her to like me?”   Being overweight and out of shape – “I am going to go to the gym every day for at least 1 hour.”   Being broke and in debt – “I swear that I’m going to get out of all of this.”  Cheating on your girlfriend or wife – “This is the last time, I’m going to end this.”  Going to the job that you thought was going to make you a success or a CEO – “I work for one of the most well-known companies in the world.” 

REALITY CHECK.  You can’t be anyone else, but you, no matter who you think “she” is going to like.  You don’t like working out 7 days a week and barely get there three days out of seven.  You haven’t changed the way you spend, the income you bring in or any of your pricey habits.  You actually still get a thrill out of leading a double life with two woman.  And six months later, you realize that you hate waking up going to that job. This places limits on you working from paycheck to paycheck. And causes you to walk around the office with a fake smile and a broken spirit. And yet, we spend each day vowing that it’s going to be different from now on.

The thing that we fail to realize as men are that changing your habits and your way of thinking is not as easy as picking up women, staying in debt and having the same job for years.  What we need to consider is that it may take all of the heart and plenty of desperation to overcome yourself.  Look deep into your heart right now and ask yourself to change.  How desperate are you for a change? When the days you feel like doing nothing and don’t give a damn, will you still follow through on the goals that you have set for yourself?  Are you still going to follow through with the change?

“The secret to change is not focusing all of your energy on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Prov 23:7 “As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.”