Happiness Is A Choice

At an all men’s conference, one of the men raised his hand and asked if he will ever be happy.  He confessed that he woke up every morning since he was a child with a tremendous amount of unhappiness and couldn’t understand why he felt that way.  His parents were wealthy, he had a lot of friends and was an accomplished athlete, yet in is heart he never felt fulfilled and rarely smiled.  Many of us may be able to relate to him.   We have this feeling of unhappiness throughout life, searching for people or things to make us happy.  Thinking that when we find the right person we will live happily ever after.  When we find the right job and become wealthy we will have all of the material things and be fulfilled.  We think we will be but are we under false pretenses?  Have you ever felt that way?

A revelation occurred when visiting an all-boys orphanage that housed boys aged 2 – 17.  Many of us may be preparing ourselves to walk into a room of abandoned souls; who have struggled with not knowing their parents and feeling forgotten.  The shocking truth is that the smiles and laughter could be heard from the streets and the energy of the youth was overwhelming.  Watching them playing basketball, helping each other and showing both love and support for each other; it was very fulfilling. 

REALITY CHECK.  It’s not easy to find and maintain the feeling of being happy.  Personally, happiness in my life has been elusive.  Feeling so close to obtaining it and then letting circumstances dictate how I feel.  The desire for happiness is ever present, but what if we all admitted to ourselves that it is actually our choice to make?  Many of us choose to stay comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.  Choosing to be a victim, stay in a state of depression or sadness, complaining or relating to other unhappy people instead of making changes. 

Happiness is a choice no matter what we’ve been through in this life.  For example, on the exterior, Robin Williams was a successful comedian, actor, and father, but on the interior, he allowed the pain and sadness to control his life and decided to end his own.  How different would this be if he was able to share those feelings and feel supported instead of overwhelmed?  I’ve seen lawyers, Doctors and entrepreneurs have all of the material things, job titles and wealth, but what does success mean to you?  Consider that success could be dictated by the happiness you feel. 

Happiness is a choice we have to make. There is no magic pill that can cure the despair for the rest of our lives.  We have to reach inside and search for it.  After reading this, you could choose to make the decisions you need to change the way you feel.  Please understand you will not smile 24/7, laugh all day or feel on top of the world 365 days of the year.  Happiness is a state of contentedness, feeling pleasure from what you have and what you place value on as “good”.  Promise yourself you will do all the things necessary; self-reflection, self-help, read to open your mind or surround yourself with people that are positive.  Don’t allow the negative relationships in your life to determine your destiny and keep you in a place of unhappiness.  Everyone has a choice, choose wisely.

      

Be happy, not because everything is good, but because you can see the good in everything.

When I was 5 years old my Mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down “happy”.  They said that I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.  – John Lennon

A Man’s Heart

A Man’s Heart

Society has dismissed men as lacking emotion or unable to feel.  Maybe it’s because of the way boys are raised; we are told to “man up” and taught that crying shows weakness.  It’s because of this that we grow up unable to accept our true feelings or to have to tools needed to express them.  When in truth, we think and feel just as deeply, but express our feelings through a secret code.  A code that even we can’t decipher.  Ever wonder why the suicide rate is significantly higher in men than women?  The heart can only store so much before it explodes and results in suicide, self-harm or living with a broken spirit.

As men, we are under a lot of pressure and if we show weakness, doubt spreads regarding our ability to provide and stay strong.  I have loved and lost and through it all, remaining strong to live up to the expectation of what friends and society expect a “real man” to be.  How many times have you held back, repressed or pushed down your true emotions to make sure you “kept it together”. I think as men we have all experienced many times when we have felt misunderstood or unable to share our true feelings; all because of the fear of the other person’s reaction.  I can admit to myself that I have let those buried thoughts affect my actions, ended some relationships in the past and often felt kept in a box.

REALITY CHECK.  You will not feel any better if you do not admit your true feelings.  By denying emotions like vulnerability and sadness, you may allow them to manifest as anger or pride.  Have you ever felt so upset or disappointed in yourself that you ended up projecting your anger at someone or something else? Have you ever been so discouraged or frustrated that you used another “acceptable situation” to release some tears?  Football and hockey players are thought of as some of the most “macho” individuals and yet they appear to be comfortable expressing their feelings with each other during a game.  Where else can we see men patting each other on the butt, embracing and cheering?  If it wasn’t for the safe place of our circle of friends or a team environment, would the same sharing of emotion be acceptable? I would bet that you wouldn’t see the same level of openness.

I encourage all men to take the steps they need towards getting in touch what is really in their heart.  Don’t you wonder why the second you shut things down and try to relax, the headaches come?  Stressed on vacation unable to figure out why?  The daily grind keeping you stuck in a routine to cover it all up.  The suicide rate is significantly higher in men than women because we keep things locked up and it’s killing us.  Men, find a safe place, a trusted friend, family member or spouse, and get some of this weight off of your chest.  Telling someone what’s keeping you down is not being weak, it’s the ultimate show of inner strength. 

Inspiration – Keep This In Your Heart

“The tragedy of life is not death, but what dies inside of us while we live.” – Robin Williams 

Love

We, as men, tend to love differently than women. But no matter what, love has the ability to empower us, to change us and even though we live is a sick harsh world, love is like a powerful antibiotic to help us heal.  Love overcomes all obstacles and provides us with the support we need to go on. 

Have you ever got the feeling that love has ‘loopholes’?  By that it means… I love you as long as you are ‘handsome,’ ‘beautiful,’ or have ‘a lot of money.’  But we know that you can’t dress love up in how good someone looks.  Personal self-reflection and some deep thinking can often cause us to have a different perspective.  Maybe it’s all the reading that has causes our minds to reprogram themselves causing us to be left with one word, love.  The word that many of us men have misused throughout our lives.

REALITY CHECK.  The Bible says "love your neighbour has you love thyself."  Now whether you believe in the Bible or not if you have a lot of self-hate, it is guaranteed you won’t be able to love someone in a healthy way.  It is important to take the time for yourself to address those parts of your past that you may have loved and lost, made mistakes, had regrets or carry resentment.  If you are loving someone in the hopes that if you make them happy, then will in turn make you happy; you are setting the relationship up for failure from the start.

Challenge yourself to examine in an honest way; how you view yourself and takes the steps to love yourself so you can truly experience loving someone else.  Ask yourself, are you happy with who you are?  Are you able to give freely to someone else without expecting something in return?   What do you think love is? Do you know how to love each other in a healthy way?  When you are able to answer those questions each and every relationship you have will benefit positively.

“A flower cannot blossom without sunshine and a man cannot live without love.”

“Love is not something that you look for, love is something that you become.” – Alina Villasant

The Power of Dreams

Challenge yourself this year to reprogram your way of thinking through reading, writing and finding your purpose.  In July of 2014 I ran a red light with a friend of mine and my son, who was 5 years old at the time and all I can remember is feeling a high impact jolt which obliterated the entire front end of my car.  I was afraid to turn back, wondering if my son was alive; thankfully I heard his innocent voice, “Daddy are you ok?”  From the moment I heard the sound of my own blood, my son, I cried and I knew it wasn’t our time, our dreams had not yet been fulfilled.

The reality hit when the officer pulled me aside and said, “I don’t know how you all walked away from this alive.”  If it would have been a truck that hit us that day, we would be dead.   The impact of this was significant; both physically and mentally.  Each one of us with our own scars from that day.  My son is almost always nervous before getting into a car, regardless of who is driving.  I am grateful for the second chance I have received, for the dreams I’ve had for my life since the car crash, have begun to manifest.   

REALITY CHECK.    Watch and take it all in. 

 We know we get caught up in our busy day to day lives and find it hard to reflect and ask ourselves, “If you died tonight can you say you found what your purpose was and fulfilled the dreams you had been dying to put into reality?”  Do you sit at your desk job, doing the same thing over and over, caught in a routine without even questioning whether or not it is what you are born to do?  Is this my purpose?  

Some of us may have witnessed men and women battle cancer for years and refuse to die until they accomplish their dreams and live their purpose that God has put them on the earth for.  People, we have a purpose and we are only given so long to find out what it is and to live it!  Watch the video… sometimes it is only by the power of our dreams that has kept us alive.  Dreams are what keep us going, keep us focused and motivated. 

If some of you are wondering if this is the same Donovan McKenzie that you knew from “back in the day” that is writing this blog with such passion, vulnerability and openness; it is.  This is the result of many doors closing and the right ones opening.  When you find your purpose, not even your own doubts can stand in your way of your success.

“If you are building your own dreams, you are busy building someone else’s.”

“Purpose is the great divider that separates those who are simply living, from those who are truly alive.”

Every Coin Has Two Sides

How many times have you heard the saying, “There are two sides to every story?”   Was it you saying it defensively?  Ladies, did you tell all your girlfriends about his betrayal, dishonesty and wrongdoings?   Some of us may have believed is that the person telling us the story about all the cheating, lying and neglect being done to them was 100% factual, painting the perfect picture as the victim. 

The revelation is that we as men have our sides of the story too.  But the majority of the time we keep our stories in our vault, in a file stored away in our head.  As a man you may have felt at times, you haven’t been able to tell your side of why your marriage ended or why a close friendship broke up.  Society tells us to “man up” or to “let it go,” just to keep the peace and slide out the back door; letting her be the voice of the relationship and telling others “how it really happened.”

REALITY CHECK.  Do you heal by sharing all the details of what went wrong, forgetting to include what went right?  Or do you heal by storing it away and pretending it didn’t happen?  Every dispute, every divorce, every broken relationship has two sides of the story.  Men, were you able to tell her that her words hurt you?  That being call a “loser” when you were working hard, and not being able to communicate sealed your fate?   Did you bring her flowers and go through the motions when in reality you had left the relationship years ago?   Did she then cut you off when it’s time for her to listen to you; causing you to shut off and search for that outside validation from another woman?  Each time, leaving yourself feeling cold, unemotional and detached. 

As men, we are taught that we are never the victim, casting a shadow over us that it was all our fault.  Sometimes it only takes one word, over and over to cause us to stray or to detach.  We are taught to tough it out.  Men it’s time to tell your side of the story out of the vault.  Just be honest and tell what you were unable to communicate back then.  It’s going to allow you to heal emotionally, let go of any resentment you have kept and mend broken relationships.

As part of our healing, it’s important for men to face the facts and why you have done what you have done.  It’s also important to tell your side so that your friends, family and maybe even the “women scorned” can be freed from the questions and assumptions that they may have made about you in the past.  Tell your side and truly move on to the next chapter in your life.  There are two sides to the story, everyone has to own their part and take accountability.   

“Two sides to every story, yet people end up listening to one side and believe it to be the truth.” – anonymous

“Before you assume, learn the facts.  Before you judge, understand why.  Before you hurt someone, feel.  Before you speak, think.” – anonymous   

Forgiving Yourself

We all have days that we sit down, blaming ourselves, going over the decisions that we have made in our lives that have brought us to this moment.  Wondering why we keep making the same mistakes, experiencing feelings of hopelessness or doubt and why we are not where we thought we would be in life.  What I’ve come to realize is that we spend a lot of time reliving our pasts hoping to find the answer to the million dollar question; “Why did I do that?”

Give yourself grace, forgive yourself and free yourself.  Forgiving yourself may seem like an impossible task, but by holding in that guilt, shame or resentment we are only punishing ourselves.  We may have a legitimate reason why we feel like we have to hold on.  Most of us have regrets, things left unsaid or buried deep inside, but without forgiveness, the past will always find a way into our present and if we are not careful our future.    

REALITY CHECK.   When I visit my Mom’s graveyard and look around at all the people with tombstones I wonder how many died with heavy hearts or burdened minds, never reaching their full potential. Holding back from fulfilling their life’s purpose, creating healthy, lasting relationships or a combination of both.   Despite the sadness, it also motivates me to forgive myself, to move on and get past my past.  You can’t live the life you want and feel light in your heart, unless you take the opportunity to look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud “I forgive myself.” When is the last time you got real, got deep and took a good, long look in the mirror?  Have you ever wrote out a description of the man you want to be and compared it the man you are?  Have you took it to the next level and wrote down what you need to forgive yourself for so that you can begin living the life you were meant to have?

When you finish reading this, sit and think; what can I do to forgive myself?”  You may feel vulnerable and weak, but that is exactly the place you need to be to begin to look up and let go.  I cheated. I was in jail.  I lost my job.  I hurt a lot of people.  I have lied.  Forgive yourself.   Please don’t take it lightly, society, your friends maybe even your family, may be comfortable living with a certain amount of guilt, it may even feel “normal”.  So even if you choose to forgive others first….be sure to make time to for your own forgiveness and recognize that it’s never too late to start.  I had a revelation while writing this blog and it was that; forgiveness is a choice and death is certain.  So how will you live out the rest of your life?

Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.  – Les Brown

“In order to heal we must first forgive… and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.” - Mila Bron

Forgiving Others

Forgive and forget. Forgive and forget.  How many times have you heard that throughout your life?  Some of us grew up thinking that it was OK to be verbally abused.  Being told by people that we loved the most that we were “stupid”, “too dark skinned” and to “shut up” and stop being “too sensitive”.  Over the years, we've built up a lot of frustration inside which may have caused a lot of resentment towards others. Imagine your father picking you up from school when you were 5 years old because you had an accident in your pants.  Then, when you got home you got a 'good beating', that you never really felt you deserved.  It's this type of situation that makes us realize that it’s not going to be as easy as “forgive and forget” and that it’s not a magical saying.  Revelation.

As we get older and became a man, not being able to forgive causes resentment to grow in our hearts.  See you can’t just forgive and forget things like; being lied too, being betrayed and rejected, being molested or being verbally abused. It’s not something that we are going to say, “I forgive this person” and then the past just melts away and then it’s over.  If our minds worked like that wouldn't we all be walking around with a smile?

REALITY CHECK.  As you are reading this person may be popping into your head that may have wronged you in some way.  Have you considered how it’s affecting your self-esteem? How 's it affecting your relationships?  Maybe you are married or are in a committed relationship carrying around resentment that is causing you to express outwardly what you can’t admit inwardly.

Some of us that may have been married and divorced more than once may be able to now admit that holding on to things in your past and being unable to forgive is doing more damage to yourself than to the person you are holding it against.  Finally figuring out that some of us won’t have ever had the ‘picture perfect’ mothers and fathers.  We won’t always have great friends who will be grounded and loyal and will provide those positive affirming words that we might want to hear on a daily basis.

Whether you might have been cheated on or lied too, molested by a parent or sibling or have experienced constant betrayal by partners and friends.  The hope is that we as men, can all come to a place where we want to learn how to forgive.  Whether it’s through therapy, self -help books or prayer; these years have taught me to learn that if we put these ingredients together we can come to a place of forgiveness.  Allowing us to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. 

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.

– Roberto Assagioli

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive. – C.S. Lewis